Monday, April 02, 2007


No shit, you have really got to try this Republicanism! I’m telling you honestly that it’s the best shit EVER!!! It makes everything so CLEAR!

For instance, I thought when Bush allegedly said that the U.S. constitution was “just a piece of paper”, he was being disrespectful of the very foundation of our country. Boy was I wrong!!! As a Republican, I see clearly that our constitution is actually like one of those magnetic refrigerator word games! It’s the funnest thing ever – swap parts the 5th and 18th amendments, and you don't have to testify because you're drunk!

Just a little taste...

Having a somewhat addictive personality, as you all know, I’ve often gotten the urge to "experiment" with Republicanism - (just once. really) - just to feel what it’s like. Oh sure, I know it's more addictive than a cocaine/heroin/nicotine/sex speedball with an OxyContin chaser - but that’s obvious when you realize that anyone who manages to kick the Republican habit is a major news item.

But damn, imagine the rush! Omniscient and infallible, your every thought brilliant; your debating skills simultaneously elegant and eviscerating! Any evidence threatening to refute your position crumbles to dust with your merest hint of distain. And the attention, the love, the adoration! – every word you utter, every public appearance is NEWS, propagated around the world at the speed of light – my God, it must be sweet...
Oh Jesus, help me! I’ve got a voter registration form in front of me, and I’ve checked “Republican”!
I’m weak – I know I can’t handle it.. stop me.....


Well now, this feels GOOD! Everyone around me seems to be a lowly worm when compared to my towering intellect. I just had a little chat with Jerry Falwell, and he is very intelligent man. When I explained how much better I felt since becoming a Republican, he gave his characteristic little chuckle and said “you ain’t seen nothin’ ‘till you get right with with your maker, boy!” He assured me that although Republicanism was indeed a righteous buzz, it’s got nothing on Conservative Christian Republicanism. All the buzz of Republicanism, plus everything you think and say is God’s word! Jerry likened it to a number of different feelings, but the one that really resonated with me was “it’s like running the Nürburgring at 250 kph in a Porche 930 while smoking an enormous doob and being blown by Lindsay Lohan!”

And if anyone would know about that, it's Jerry Falwell.

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Frankly, I see no reason not to try it.