Monday, April 02, 2007

Wheeeeeeeee!

No shit, you have really got to try this Republicanism! I’m telling you honestly that it’s the best shit EVER!!! It makes everything so CLEAR!

For instance, I thought when Bush allegedly said that the U.S. constitution was “just a piece of paper”, he was being disrespectful of the very foundation of our country. Boy was I wrong!!! As a Republican, I see clearly that our constitution is actually like one of those magnetic refrigerator word games! It’s the funnest thing ever – swap parts the 5th and 18th amendments, and you don't have to testify because you're drunk!

Just a little taste...

Having a somewhat addictive personality, as you all know, I’ve often gotten the urge to "experiment" with Republicanism - (just once. really) - just to feel what it’s like. Oh sure, I know it's more addictive than a cocaine/heroin/nicotine/sex speedball with an OxyContin chaser - but that’s obvious when you realize that anyone who manages to kick the Republican habit is a major news item.

But damn, imagine the rush! Omniscient and infallible, your every thought brilliant; your debating skills simultaneously elegant and eviscerating! Any evidence threatening to refute your position crumbles to dust with your merest hint of distain. And the attention, the love, the adoration! – every word you utter, every public appearance is NEWS, propagated around the world at the speed of light – my God, it must be sweet...
Oh Jesus, help me! I’ve got a voter registration form in front of me, and I’ve checked “Republican”!
I’m weak – I know I can’t handle it.. stop me.....

[HMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]


Well now, this feels GOOD! Everyone around me seems to be a lowly worm when compared to my towering intellect. I just had a little chat with Jerry Falwell, and he is very intelligent man. When I explained how much better I felt since becoming a Republican, he gave his characteristic little chuckle and said “you ain’t seen nothin’ ‘till you get right with with your maker, boy!” He assured me that although Republicanism was indeed a righteous buzz, it’s got nothing on Conservative Christian Republicanism. All the buzz of Republicanism, plus everything you think and say is God’s word! Jerry likened it to a number of different feelings, but the one that really resonated with me was “it’s like running the Nürburgring at 250 kph in a Porche 930 while smoking an enormous doob and being blown by Lindsay Lohan!”

And if anyone would know about that, it's Jerry Falwell.

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Frankly, I see no reason not to try it.